..................

That was somewhat of a joke, although I could go for some Journey? I am hungover as a mother fucker this morning! I went and got shitty last night but it was well over due in my opinion. Do you ever feel like your being pulled from every angle all at the same time?! You ask for it to stop and pled how much its starting to hurt, but it just keeps pulling? Well maybe I am moderately retarded and the only one that feels that way now and than, but that is exactly what I felt like yesterday. My way of coping with things, and as much as it may not make sense but it really works for me. My formula for a better me consists of watching a retarded sappy love movie that will make me ball my eyes out, immediately after that I need to get good and drunk. I found it therapeutic to drink and drink hard and fast, for some reason standing outside myself I see me taking my frustrations out on a glass as odd as that sounds? After I have reached my complete drunkenness, go home and pass out! Not a thought ever crosses my mind when I am drunk and ready to pass out and I sleep so good. Call it alcohol depended if you may but I like that feeling now and than.

And as for my analytical mind, I hate it! I wonder is it better to be like myself or to have not a care in the world and the biggest decision I would have to make in a day is which pants do I want to wear to work. Do those kind of people have it figured out better than I do, even when I am looking at it from every possible angle? I just honestly hate it!!! I plan for shit that will probably never happen, I am always making sure everybody's ok....I am one of those pesky "are you ok, are you ok, are you ok, are you mad?........I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry" YUCK! So I am just going to try to stop that!

Okay I will stop now , I really don't have anything intriguing or fun to write.

Twin Cities again this weekend, can't wait....nervous for my meeting but the events surrounding it should be good.

Groovy music on the radio right now, some 80's shit! It so horribly catchy and bad at the same time! Sometimes I wish the 80's would come back because my hair would actually trendy....but than I go to local bars in Oconto and it already exists!

Until a later time.

Because it needs to be cleansed, many times on double cycle! I stopped at my mothers this morning to drop off cash for my cell phone bill, upon arriving I seen an action that I was thinking "Dear lord please don't let them be doing what I think there doing" Sure shit my mother and her boyfriend were having sex!

She shouted not a good time, and I shouted back apparently not! 2 sad factors about this situation: 1. I now know my mother is getting more ass than myself, bitch! 2. It was just an image that I am sure will stick with me for a long time, its disgusting, and not right!

Before I drink myself to a black out with the aspiration of getting this out of my mind, I am going to vomit 1st. : ]

For some reason Smashing Pumpkins "Today", and Dave Matthews Band "Satellite" puts me in an analytical mood?! WTF? I sit and think about my life and beat myself up about mistakes I've made and if I am making mistakes right now! AAARRGGG but yet I still torment myself and listen to these songs knowing just this!

Is this normal?

Am I too hard on myself?

Do I just need a fucking beer and break?

Yup I need a fucking drink....its been decided

This is hilarious! This guy designated a website strictly for people to pick out his outfits everyday?! WTF! Kind of fun to look at if your bored!

http://www.dresskevin.com/

Groovy things about my day....

Freaking amazing I seen a hitch-hiker today! Thumb out and all although it doesn't fit with the Janis Joplin song that immediately popped in my head because it wasn't before the rain, because it was raining but I give that old man credit!

Pissed my mom off, she went to this John Gard dinner (running for a position in the state of WI for a seat with the legislator, republican) anywho this was a small invite only and apparently vice president Dick Cheney would be attending, well me and my smart mouth asked her how it went, than asked her if he "accidently" shot anyone in the back while attending. She hung up on me!

The fact that I am still using the word groovy, I just can't remove it from my vocabulary! Im sure its getting annoying to my friends.....sorry

The fact that I am now officially one step closer to moving. I am out of my apartment, packed and ready to load a u-hal in May! Yay!

Tiny Dancer playing over the radio waves, not once but twice today!

Things that suck....

My Dr. Huxtable (Cosby Show) sweater that I had to pull out of a bag, because I packed all my work clothes.

The rain, unlike the chick from Garbage "Im not only happy when it rains"

Cleaning my apartment tonight, 1 plus years of living there dirt build up in the strangest places!

I was cleaning out my email and I found this, I wrote this apparently 02/2005. Seems like I was a bit bitter, but they say usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.

I pleased your impeccable obsession
And played your game of concession
And I can't abide, this beating I will no longer hide.

You took every ounce of life that I had
for your self centered pleasure,
But my imperfections could never measure,
Up to your deceitful ways and your hurtful gaze.
Staring at me as if Im to blame....
If you could see you ouside of you,
you'd be ashamed.

This new life of mine has taken over my soul in such a way,
that I will not play the fool for one more day.
You are a self absorbed cheater and liar,
and this flame I had for you is now an absent fire.



This next one was me being silly.......Don't ask bordem took over!

Here she comes walking through that door
All glammed up like a beat up crack whore
Here she comes ready to plop down next to me
Just like the whale in the movie, set Willy free
When she sits down love handles a many
Some say bigger is better, but this is more then plenty
Now I see why they call her Back Fat Betty

(Course)

I may be shallow, I may be sluty
But if I'm going to get through this night
I am gonna need emergency care from Dr. Milgilicudy
Hey man this ain't pretty
Here she comes Back Fat Betty

Oh my, my journal! Its been quite awhile since I've written in this thing!

Important Facts:
-My hunt for shit in the Twin Cities is going very fucking awesome! Job line up is great, good potential to make a lot of money if I work at it! Still insurance and doing what I love to do Marketing & Advertising! House hunt as of right now seems to be going moderately successful, view a few properties tomorrow! Where I am looking is about a 10 minute walk from downtown! Sweet! Plus its got that old world charm with dark wood, hardwood floors, 10 ft ceilings, built in entertainment centers, clawfoot tub! I am stoked!
-My car yet again has been damaged, poor Alley! I swear to god Marinette/Menominee driver are fucking morons! Some drunk chick backed into my car while leaving the bar last weekend damaging my car pretty bad! What the fuck is it with my car and the state of Michigan?! While driving to the Marinette office today some chick decides to stop in the middle of the freeway for no reason, I was inches from slamming into the back of her! Grr!
-I am a retard when it comes to jumping back on this relationship wagon, its been close to 2 years! I try to be honest I find its getting me in trouble, along with my past! I lied about something in my past that I am in no way proud of because I didn't want to start an argument but in all honesty I AM RETARD! I hate my past its been haunting me! Go away! I'll get the hang of it soon enough. I heart that boy, so I am blaming that making me think and act stupid!
-My current job is lets say AWESOME! I am actually stupid for leaving but I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too! Big city life that I've been dreaming of for the last 3 years or stay in Oconto with a great job...........hmmmm I'll take my chances on Minneapolis!
-My son, I think Im getting some sort of separation disorder, I know whats coming in the near future and I sometimes feel myself pull away so its not so hard on the both of us. He's my life, he's the reason that I wake up every morning with a smile on my face. I don't think that I am saying this to justify my actions but I really think that this is the best for Adam P and Dylan, Adam needs Dylan to settle him down because he will be 27 this summer and Dylan needs a man to show him how to be a man. Right?! I guess I will just have to see how this plays out the best for everyone.

Other than that I guess this completes my update.
Until a later date..........

I just huged my boss good bye {tears shedding} I am trying not to make this as hard as it really is. But he will be missed.

A little grumpy.....this band from myspace used that as a blog title for one of there upcoming performances.....they totally stole my creativity the only thing that they changed was the name! Oh well I am not freightin it too much...... =/

Update since I last entered into my journal, my weekend was great didn't do anything spectacular but it was chill. Bad part Friday night I blacked out...I haven't done this since my 21st bday...whew.....apprently I thought it was time to show my heritage and drink Irish Whiskey! I am going to steer from shots for awhile! Everything else is going good for the most part, so yay!

I've grown bored on what to think to write so my A.D.D conquered me yet again. So I guess I am going to look at something shinny now........

Weekend.....a few short hours away for me! ::LONG SIGH:: I need this weekend, no Dylan and hopefully no American Family Insurance brain! Plans.....hmmmmm.....of chorse drinking, sex would be a great bonus, oh and drinking!

Tonight me and Adam are hanging out not sure what we are doing but I am sure we'll have fun, tomorrow probably mine and Tara's ritual, saturday night Scarlet Escape with my girl Jess, Adam and hopefully Bryce the bday boy! Sunday veg!

have a danner tanner weekend!

BREAK dance, not hearts
BREAK the radio because its vial repetitive crap music makes me want to vomit
Cigarette BREAK is what I need to simmer down the urge to throw office supplies at people
I need a BREAK from my life right now
I want to BREAK free, Freddie Mercury sang
Heart BREAK is not my cup of tee
BREAK ups it always seems to be
I need my dancing queen Jess and Kelly Clarkson's BREAK away song to fulfill my week

I don't know I liked the work BREAK for a bit so I went with it......yuck thought just now....that RETARDED song by Limp Bizkit, break shit! Yucky make the image of a balding chubby wanna be with mom tattoo's all over his body, believe that he is next to God because he thinks screaming into a microphone is hott enough to grab the attention of Britney Spears considering she is a whore they probably fucked and made talentless babies, coming out whining with bad style!

Wow-sers....its been ages since I've been in this thing! This last week is wearing me down! The old saying is true in this instance "when it rains, it pours"

Important facts about my last week since I've reported.
1. some drunk IDIOTS in the glorious state of Michigan thought that backing up into my front end and leaving was the proper thing to do. My car is now damaged goods.....she's not as pretty as she was before :[
2. My ex is pissing me off....in a round about way of words he won't help me out with taking care of Dylan unless I give him money?! How can this man even have enough courage to ask ME for money? I feel that I have been more than understanding about this current bullshit going on and have done WAY MORE than asked or expected. What pisses me off most about all this is that he is just mean about it, give me some fucking money......sorry buddy how many thousands of dollars are you behind in child support? Who pays for EVERYTHING for our son? And you are asking me for money.....DEADBEAT!
3. My job is craziness! In a day alone I've put 95 miles on my car driving between offices! I am honestly flattered that my District Manager is confident that I can handle all that I am doing and most days it doesn't bother me because that is my personality keep busy, but yesterday I was wiped out and cranky. So there maybe some future rants about my job. I just keep telling myself that hard work and dedication will pay off in the long run, do above what's expected with no questions asked and the end results will be worth it! (I don't know how much longer that sentence will keep me sane....Ha Ha )
4. I am like a retarded giddy school girl when it comes to my current "friend" situation. I am so flipping confused with everything I don't know if I should kiss him or choke him! (both maybe a great sexual exercise....write that down for the future) I've just decided that I am here for him as a friend at his requests. I will do everything that I can for him when following his aspirations out to the Twin Cities, he'll be missed that little boger! I just hope that if I do meet someone between now and than that I don't hurt him, this is what he wanted but I am still scared that it still will?! But it sounds easier said than done right?! Fuck it I am going to try to not make this a bigger deal than it is. I just wish this part of my life was the one thing that wasn't complicated?!

So this and other crap is why I lost 10 pounds in a little over a week, can't eat to save my life, sleeping.....what's that and why I am thinking of taking up a hobby...its called drinking!

If I hear that phrase one more time in the next 24 hours I will throw this "swingline model" stapler through these double windows! Grrr! What is nice about the snow?! Hmmm I thought of one thing ONE snow angles naked and drunk thats about the extent of fun I can have with this shit! Otherwise its whitiness is blinding me, I hate scrapping my windows at 8 in the fucking morning, stopping and sliding into the other lane in a near accident, I don't get off of responsibilities anymore when its crappy out, hillbillys bother me with their joy to take the "sleds" out and its cold and wet thats a horrible combo!

On a lighter note (ok now your probably thinking this chick is bi-polar and needs medication ) Talked to the cuz last night she wants to take a trip out to Minneapolis when me and Mr. Cain again venture into the great world of one way street that frustrate the piss out of you, Mary Tyler Moore Statues, Pizza that make you burb 24 hours later and Matto's that lick your hand. After explaining just this she wants to climb aboard! No really one of my favorite singers/songwriters Stephen Kellogg will be out there next weekend! (::SIGH:: Stephen Kellogg) I think that she would enjoy him so she's going to check the current cash flow situation and hopefully she comes, if not I know me and Adam will have a blast so I am not worried. Piece of jean lint my ex is taking Dylan that weekend so I don't have to worry about rushing back, I can take it all in! YAY! So I am again excited to go out there!

Well I suppose no more news....so I am out like the sleds on the river today! {insert hillbilly laugh}

Swamped at work yesterday so I really didn't have any time to let you know how NIN went! It was fucking awesome! It was good to finally get to see a band that influenced me from my younger days (I still need to see Pearl Jam though)I was really impressed at everything about the concert and I am glad that I decided to go! I would have to say that this was probably the best Valentine's Day yet!

Last night I feel asleep a little after 7 watching New Detectives on my couch bed thingy ma babber. I am little pissed because I didn't finish watching the show to see who killed this man....damn it! Finally rolled into my bed around 11. Sleep felt good the night of the concert kicked my ass....so I needed last night!

Important fact about today: I don't want to be at work! I want to cuddle up on the couch and watch daytime television all day in sweats! For some reason when there's horrible snow storms it reminds me of back in the day when being a child and waking up anxious to see if school was closed and than the immediate happiness you get when it is! And all you would do all day is NOTHING! So I guess now every time its get shitty out it brings me back and thats all I want to do! Damn it....Damn it.....Damn it!

toodles

Yay! Not that commercialized days matter to me, and I usually don't agree with setting just one day aside a year to give someone your all but I am happy today! NIN tonight! I have a feeling this concert is going to rock!

So happy valentines day everyone! Much Love

-XOXOX-

I am writing and shedding many tears! Actually I am blubbering like a babbling brook! Minneapolis was nothing less than amazing! Everything about it was just awesome! The bands that we checked out all fucking rocked except this crappy emo local band that opened up for Vandera and Mute Math sucked! It was a cross between Marilyn Manson, My Chemical Romance and The Starting Line! BAD COMBO! After leaving the Quest in downtown Minneapolis we headed to St. Paul to the Turf Club....Story of the Sea, Vicious Vicious and Friends Like These they also rocked! So I can say that I seen 5 kick ass bands in one night! YAY! Also did a lot of walking downtown Minneapolis because our hotel was right at the heart of the city that again reminded me that I must get out of these small towns and return to the city where I belong! The look and the feeling of downtown Minneapolis was incrediable!

I really enjoyed my company, Adam and me I would say had a blast together! From what I know we weren't at all at each other's throats and laughed more than anything.....which sometimes is hard to find people that you can spend 3days with right in a row no real break and be able to still enjoy each others company, that was a big part about my whole adventure that truly rocked.

In more ways than one I needed this last weekend and if all goes well I will be heading back out there at the end of the month. Than out to Vegas next, that will also be an adventure I am looking forward too!

Signing off while tears shed on to my keyboard, reminding me of who I really am, where I belong and who I am today. That my current situation is only temporary and that the city is where I belong not in this shit whole small town Jerry Springer yuckie yuckie!

-XOXO-

PS. My ex is getting married March 31st and this makes me that much happier because now I know that he will be off my back! Or at least I hope!

Important things about the last 24 hours:

I need to lock my door! I got off the phone with one of my friends last night to jump in the shower. Taking a shower, the hot water was comforting, shampoo in my eye wasn't. Step out do my lady stuff....the typical lotion, pluck my eyebrows etc. I was starting to feel a bit parched so it was decided that a glass of water would refresh my thrist. So I proceed into the kitchen to get a glass of water, get the glass of water, set the cup down. In my mind I was heading back to the bathroom to proceed on with my doings. Out of the corner of my eye I see a man sitting on my couch.....curious I turn my head "HOLY UNCLE PATS GLASSES" my eyes weren't deceiving me it was a man! It was my ex sitting on my couch! Immediately I screamed and shouted a horrible combination of words at him. (Remember I am still in a towel so I am equally embarassed!) Asked him and I quote "What the fuck are you doing here? How the fuck did you get in here?" Apparently I left my door unlocked, which I've been know to do! (Future lesson make sure that this is a must after returning home) He than explained to me that he just got his taxes done, because he is behind in child support they are taking it all! He asked if I could give him that money back? I told him that he had to leave and that we can discuss this tomorrow when I am not so shaking up and clothed! That came a bit stalker like to me! WEIRDO!

Moving on to the next great topic of conversation. I had the most unique dream. I will save you the torment of every detail but I feel that I need to share this. I was again living in a house in Milwaukee with my dad, stepmom and step sister (by the way I have these dreams all the time and it freaks the fuck out of me!) Anyway I always had to pee in this dream. But no body would let me, they thought I was a freak because I had to use the bathroom. So they finally let me and I come back to the living room where everyone is in the living room tied up and their mouths are duct taped?! This one guy that was able to talk to me through the duct taped asked me who I was and I told him he said oh you are the bar girl with the starlite eyes?! I agreed (apparently I knew this?) He said that I was the only one that could get them untied because the man that did this was in love with me and I could talk him out of this. I remember talking to him and than I woke up?! Ok I just realized I am a freak!

My mother is on my last nerve. I love this woman to death I truly do and I wouldn't want any other. But sometimes I feel like she is shifting her weight on to my shoulders. Every time my sisters fuck up or say something horrible to her its my responsibilty to fix it. And than I tell her what I think she should do in this instance she says that she states thats shes offended and hangs up on me?! I can't fucking win!

Finally this is probably my last journal enrty for a few days....I's be going out to Minneapolis tomorrow morning! I am so stoked!!!!!! We are checking out a few AMAZING bands tomorrow night including Mute Math, Story of the Sea, and Friends Like These! So I will be writing a review of my trip to the twin cities! I can't even concentrate its sick! Yay....Yay......Yay!

Today I did not want to get out of bed at all! I haven't been able to sleep a wink in the last month. I have so many thoughts running through my head its sick. My main delima at this point in my life is my career. I don't know what to do. I have been offered an Agency position but I believe at this point in my life being a single mother I don't have the time or support to do this. So I declined that. Next I accepted a job in the Marinette area for one reason only that I have a guaranteed job once all this mess is done. Where I am at right now if a new agent walks in the door it is his/her decision if they want to keep me on or not. Being again a single mother I can't have that uncertainty! The good thing about my new boss is I know we would have a fucking blast working together, in addition to we have the same kind of sales approach......that is we take no for an answer! Which turns into bonus'! More money is never bad. I will also gain GREAT respect from my Distric Manager so if I ever want to pursue something else within the company I would have his high recommendation and pretty much start anywhere at any job within the United States!

Bad part about accepting this postion. I am moving further north when I want to be heading south. I really have no desire living in Marinette or Oconto. But the good person that I am, I am willing to put my aspirations on hold until our district is comfortable. Which looking at it I would say about a year! YUCK! My biggest fear is sticking around for a bit, meeting someone, getting comfortable and putting everything I worked so hard for on hold to be a fucking house wife! Knowing me I go to the end of the world for someone I love and if thats even stopping my career and happiness I do. Because ultimately I am happy too because they are! I hate that part about me! I need to focus on my job and not a man! Sometimes thats hard to do though! :]

So long story short this is my new year plan:
Wrap up loose ends with the Oconto and Oconto Falls agencies. Start my new position in Marinette March 6th. Work there get our name established and save our company from the old agent that will probably target our book of business. Contribute to successful amount of sales goals being reached. By this time next year or next summer move on with my career. By this time my son will be starting kindergarten so I will have more flexability to become an agent or look into our corporate division. Either way I intend on living in a bigger city within the next year! So my dreams of being a big shot in a big city are on hold for the moment.

I am sorry I know that may have been boring, I am just stuck at what I should do!

Don't Fucking ask what this is below me. I was incrediably bored at work so I just made this story up in like 30 minutes! Thought I would put it in my journal and share it. It may not make any sense but what the hell?! I passed time at work hey?

It all started one groggy day outside the British isles. My mother a maid for a local wealthy family. Was a splendid mother and hard worker. I remember everynight before she put me to bed she would sing this song that her father use to sing to her when she was just a pup. But on a colds winter night my mother passed in a horse and buggy accident on her way home from work. My life was never to return to normal after that, leaving me and my daddy to live on our own. Holiday's passed without mother but with each year father's drinking got worse. He was never an angry man, just he was never with out a bottle in his hand. One day it actually killed him.

He and his bloke decided to take a trolley down to the local pub to catch a pint or 2. This was always daddies routine after waking to the morning light, having a cup of tee and wheat toast as he said for nutirants. After arriving at "The Kings Head" (daddy's favorite)they decided that this was different from anyother day, and this particular day it was decided that they would have the Irish whiskey that Mr. McCummings brought straight from Ireland. They drank and told jokes and stories of when they were just a wee. With every story and joke came another drink and before daddy knew it the sun was about to set, the bottle was empty and so was the pub.

He than decided that it was time to go, while leaving Daddy to his eyes appeared a building set on fire. Brave as daddy was he ran with all his might across the brick paved road and climbed on the nearest thing that would allow him to reach the top of this flat. Upon arriving at the top of this flat, he eyes had yet again deceived him, the fire was actually at the bottom of this building! I can only image what daddy was thinking. But his stubbornness again concurred him. There was one more way in which he could save this village from the tragedy of a blazing fire and that would be to alert the townsmen from up top the roof. At which he did. He shouted to everyone below and above. But to his realization people just passed without a care in the world, some even threw rocks at him and shouted you drunken idiot! He didn't understand the lack of panic at which they had at that exact moment. He decided that the only way to save this town was to sacrifice himself by jumping into the flame and trying to put it out himself. He has had training in similar situations before. Daddy once told me that a local named Charles got to drunk and passed out with a fag still lit in his mouth and ended up engnighting himself and daddy put it out!

Witness say that from what they could make out before he took this plunge is what sounded like biblical terms and blubbering. He than jumped and instantly died. Police said that when arriving to daddy's body they couldn't help but to notice he was wearing a smile that only a mother could love.

Since daddy blew all the money that mother left with her passing on drinking. I had little money to bury him. Being from the small village that I am from the local mortician agreed to cremate my father for little pounds and put his remains in the very same Irish whiskey bottle that got him drunk the night of his passing.

After the funeral I decided that as a young woman it was time to journey on out into my own. I took the local ferry out of London and decided to start my adventures in the States. For this is where my journey begins writing the pages before me my life, my tragedy, my triumph. I can vaguely see Ms. Liberty for it will be a few short hours before I say good bye to old Brittan and start the new chapter of my life as an American!

I haven't wrote in this flipping thing since Thursday. How is that possible? So much has happened since this day but I know that if I do a review I would be writting for hours. So I am just going to say that I had a ROCKING weekend!! I went out and had a great time partying, but also had some down time and got shit down around the house. I am stoked about the upcoming events for this weekend.......this time on Friday I will be on the road heading to Minneapolis! This I know will be one for the memory books, now if I can only make sure I get off of fucking work.